We are sitting on the floor, and he leans against the couch, and I lean back against his chest, resting my head against his shoulder. I have been teaching him how to ask for what he wants, how to touch, how to relax into his pleasure. He is a very nice man, which is a good thing to be, unless you can’t be anything else. Then it becomes something of a prison. There is never a time not to be kind, or not to consider the feelings and needs of others. But there is a time to acknowledge your own, even to reach for your desire. This is a place many men are afraid of. Women too.
So today, we play with asking to be touched, asking to touch, venturing into a taste of desire. He is learning well, a little at a time.
I lean back against him, he wraps his arms around so that he has full access to my breasts, which is what he bravely asked for. The first time we did this, last week, he held them like they were precious, which they are, and like they were a fountain of good comforting ju-ju, which they are. He settled in like a weary traveler finding home. Which he was. Today his hands are gentle but present, not tentative, which is a good sign. In fact, they feel great.
This week, he discovers another flavor of desire. His body softens and wraps me more closely, his breath deepens, his hands move more intently, like they convey the hunger in his loins. Which they do. I can tell, I think, (which is all we can ever do about another) that he is not confident enough to get any hotter. Plus, we did not agree to go there, so he is exactly right about that part. Even so, he seems at the edge of unfamiliar territory.
We pause. I tell him I notice that my body feels the heat too, and ask him to tell me what he notices about his own. Holding you tighter, he says, and pressing my legs around yours, like my whole body is going instead of just my hands. Yes, I say, me too.
So pause a moment and let your attention settle into your pelvis, I tell him. What do you notice? Warmth behind my penis, base of my pelvis. Does it feels good?, I ask. Yes, he says, it does. Good, I say, this belongs to you, this miracle.
Now, I want you to explore a little bit of movement, just a little. Let your pelvis start to rock ever so gently front and back. But keep breathing.
He starts to move, but it’s a little awkward, as if he can’t quite find where his pelvis is or what it wants to do. Can’t quite connect with it.
Let’s pause again, I say. It’s easier to find when you are still? Yes. Then let’s go back there and find it again. Back to base camp. OK, now, enjoy that for a bit, and now start that rocking again, just the tiniest bit, yes, there, that’s it, that’s it. Only move just as much as you can while still keeping that fire going – don’t overwhelm it. Yes. Feel that? Yes.
He is melting now into the fire, still moving very gently, just barely, but pressing in to me, hands still drinking in my breasts, warm breath on my neck. I like it too, but my attention is on his process. He is now able to move and still feel his pelvis. Connected now. Good.
Ok, I tell him, now I am going to slip out and move away from you, and I want you to keep your attention right there where it is, and enjoy that feeling. Even though I was a catalyst, the feeling is yours, the power is yours, the fire is yours. Just enjoy it awhile. Yes.
He makes this transition with ease. Truly enjoys it. This is not true of everyone. Some people tend to get more attached to the connection with me, would, if I moved out of the way so they could focus on their own experience, not get it, or reach for me, or complain. Or just pretend.
I wonder what makes the difference. I do notice that with a little coaching, he is able to receive my touch, take the pleasure in, is very present to it. Some are not. I conjecture that this might be related. It does seem that people who can’t do one have a hard time doing the other. Hmmm…..
A few minutes later, I give him some homework – to take this exploring into some self pleasuring. His eyes light up, and we joke about getting an A + on your homework, and about your friends asking what kind of homework you get at your school this week.
I have the best job in the world.